Snaaaaaaaakes!

Listen, I know that I live in the country and that there are all sorts of critters that live around me- most of them unseen. But that doesn't help put things in perspective at all. For example: knowing snakes are around and doing their snake duties off in the tall grass and wild parts of the farm is very different than being continually surprised by them in places you are not expecting them.

I ask you to imagine....

Imagine the horror and shock of seeing a 4 foot snake slithering around in your duckling's coop like the black death. You opened the door with a handful of fresh dandelion weeds for your special little girls. You sing out, "Helloooo my little ducklings!" Because you talk to them all the time- you want them to be relaxed around you. And instead of the usual heads bobbing up, squeaky chirps and scuttling around the coop in excitement that you've come to expect, you see a shiny black snake at one end of the coop and your baby ducks cowering in a pile at the other. As it turns out, the snake is just passing through and the ducklings are much too big for it to eat. But you scream bloody murder and your brother comes barreling up the hill wondering if you are being attacked by a leopard. (The leopard being a possible attacker is a whole other story... )

Then imagine that after a short period of rest to allow yourself to calm down, you decide that it's about time to gather chicken eggs. You first go into the covered run and give your girls a treat of tomatoes and apples. As you watch them eating happily and singing little happy chicken songs, you think to yourself, "Oh please, I hope I don't see another snake!" But then you think, "Haha- oh don't be so silly! What are the odds of being surprised by a second snake today!?"

You open the door to the main coop and see a 6 foot snake in your chicken's nest boxes. Just laying there all cozy and relaxed like it owns the place. (Did you also imagine a desiccated and flat mouse on the ground nearby looking like a trashy frog's opera stole? No? Well, do so now because IT WAS TOTALLY THERE.) So more bloody murder screaming (your throat is getting sore) but this time your brother is indoors and doesn't hear you so you have to run down the hill to his house (keep an eye out for more snakes!) and burst into his house and scream, "Snaaaaaaaaaake!"

Your brother goes off to the shed for who knows what because he doesn't say anything to you besides "hang on". You think he's taking way too much time to figure out a snake eviction plan because the snake could be attacking one of the chickens who didn't realize she should have run away and that snakes are dangerous. Your brother, finally, emerges from the shed with what looks like a weapon every 14 year old boy would make if he could. It's a long pole with a bowie knife taped and zip-tied to the end of it. He walks up to you with this weapon wielding it like a wizard's staff and he's ready for battle and says, "I'm going to kill it."

He starts marching up the hill with the dogs racing around him gleefully jumping and barking. The excitement for them is palpable. You, on the other hand  (doing some sort of sad shuffle-running thing behind him) are feeling very shaky and paranoid. You think you see snakes in every shadow. You start to do a quiet panicked laughing-crying-panting thing that only grow more intense, loud and uncontrollable.

The battle between snake and brother lasts three rounds. First round was a draw because the snake escapes through a hidden hole in the corner of the roof. Second round goes to the snake, as your brother's ingenious snake killing stick breaks when one of the zip ties snaps off. The third round your brother wins because he goes and gets his shotgun. While he runs off for his new weapon, he makes you stay and keep an eye on the snake. You are at the bottom of the slanted roof. The snake is at the top. You peer at each other. Eventually your brother returns with a gun, ear plugs and a ladder. You notice how jazzed your brother is about this activity and you start to feel like things might be getting out of hand.

You and the dogs run off far away to the other side of the yard so you don't get (any more) hearing damage. Your brother shoots the snake. The snake dies... sort of. It's head is no longer a thing but the rest of it keeps wiggling and moving. Your brother says something about how a snake's nervous system works. The dogs, including the ones on all the neighboring properties, freak out. They act as though they are being attacked by B-4 Bombers. High alert! Battle stations! And they race around in circles. But you? You start to relax. It's over. The chickens are safe, the eggs are safe and now you can take a deep breath and not think about snakes anymore.

Your brother starts cleaning up and walks back down the hill towards the shed. He goes around the back of the barn. You head in the same direction but around the front side. Before you can round the corner your brother calls out and tells you to stop. He's holding up his hands and looking down at the ground.... it's another snake. He suspects it's the same one from earlier. This is when the panicked laughing-crying-panting thing stars up again. It's an "eheheh hhheeehhhehehe ehhheh" sound. It goes from zero to sixty in a second and you crouch down next to the dogs and put your head in your hands. You don't realize that your brother is about to shoot this snake too. But when he does, your freak out has officially gone into overdrive and you start screaming bloody murder again.

Now you are like a zombie making weird noises and shuffling around. You go back into your brother's house and pour yourself a big whiskey on the rocks. This, you know deep in your soul, is the only thing that can cure the snake panic that is now way, way out of control. And it does. The more you sip your whiskey sitting on your brother's porch watching him walking around with snake corpses on sticks, the more relaxed you become.

By the time you finish the drink you are you again and you can breath normally. And although you feel sorry that the snakes had to be killed, you are glad it's over.


Thank you for participating in the 'imagine you are me' version of my blog.

Tell yourself not to dream of snakes. I did, and it worked!

I dreamt of spiders instead....